My Out of Control Life

Life these days is so uncertain.

Like really, the only thing certain in my life right now is the sun rising each morning. Nothing is in my control at the moment. And honestly, my life has been like this for a year. A year exactly actually. Because one year ago my 4th child came into this world earlier than expected.

From that moment on, my life changed completely. The control I thought I had was an illusion. And that illusion was shattered.

The summer camp I was supposed to run the following week?

Nope.

The SUPER IMPORTANT end-of-year financial reports I was supposed to be compiling and submitting?

Nope.

The sanity I was supposed to hold on to?

Nope.

Like literally people, the day my baby boy entered the world a month early (and was taken away in a helicopter to a hospital 2 hours away while I laid in a hospital bed recovering from a c-section) was the day I began my year long journey of letting go. And I am so grateful for this journey (that I doubt is complete…)

Relax (3)

Why am I grateful for a year that has been full of turmoil and strife? Because I would not be sitting here RIGHT NOW, while my life is a jumble of uncertainty, with a feeling of peace, gratitude and trust.

My little family is in a period of transition. And it is something amazing to behold. From the outside, we look pretty normal: parents who are exhausted from 4 crazy children running our lives during the hot months of summer. Normal right? (yes, yes it is.) We look like people who’ve “got it together.” We appear to be chugging along, taking things in stride.

Yet the internal workings of our life, the part that only those close to us get to see, shows something quite a bit different.

And I know, without a doubt, through all the uncertainty there is something pretty magnificent taking shape.

This past year, has been one of trial….after trial….after trial….

Some of these trials I’m fairly open about (filing for bankruptcy? Yep. I’d rather be open and honest about it then be ashamed and depressed about it)

Some of these trials I’m still fairly private about (airing ALL the dirty laundry? That’s just not necessary….amiright?)

Some of these private trials will stay private. That’s how it is meant to be…I think….

Others will slowly be spoken about as the time is right.

Yet this morning I had a huge, HUGE, epiphany.

The past year has been for a purpose.

It has been to get me to this point where I am right now.

And I have no doubt, zero, that this is the finish line. I’m pretty sure in another month or two I’ll look back at these words and say “oh man Emily, you did NOT know what you were talking about! Look at all that has transpired since!?!” (kind of like when you hear a 20-year-old talking about their problems like it’s the end of the world and you’re like “girl please, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet”)

But here’s what I’ve been trying to say (I’m so guilty of rambling…):

I could not have the sense of peace, happiness and hope that I have today if it had not been for the trials of the past year.

And that has been the purpose of it all.  Maybe not the ENTIRE purpose, but definitely part of the purpose.

I do not know what next month will hold for our family. But I do know this:

I have no control. And I’m learning to be at peace with that.

Does this mean I feel like I don’t need to set goals and work hard towards them? Or the opposite: that I can wander aimlessly through my days, assuming everything will work out “as it should” regardless of what I do?

Heck no.

Not for a single second.

This means I am working my butt off to do all I CAN do and I am learning to be at peace with the end result. This is hard. But it’s much easier today than it was a year ago. And my hope is that I will continue to recognize as long as I do ALL I can, everything will truly work out for my highest good.

I am so incredibly grateful to have this 4th child, this little spirit of joy, in our lives.

And I’m so grateful his birth marks the day my journey of faith truly began. I love that I can pinpoint the day I began to be stretched and taught about things bigger and more important than my day-to-day trials.

You know what I think “being ok with being out of control” really is?

It’s faith.

Faith that if you do all you can do the outcome will be what is right for you.

And even though my life is uncertain at the moment, even though I have no idea what next month will hold for me and my family….I have faith. Faith that whatever it is, we will somehow be alright

(and guess what…this applies to you to….

……amazing isn’t it?)

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